U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
