I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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