I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
