he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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