I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
