Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
