my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
