this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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