1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
