nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
