then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Two words: nipple clamps
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