The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
