i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Green mimosas i think yes
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize