No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
