it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
