Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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