you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
