Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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