He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
