every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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