I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
