im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
