If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
