I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
