i dedicated my morning wood to you.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
