He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I love you. Go after that dick
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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