Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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