I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
