I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
