she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
