i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
