just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
