allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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