What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
