I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
