Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
