I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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