Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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