Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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