May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
