I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
