we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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