The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
