Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
