I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you would pick up someone in the library
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
