i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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