gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
