dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
