I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
