my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
