Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
