I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
