The maid of honor just puked.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
