I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
