i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
