I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
