you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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