I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
