i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
