No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
