so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
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