Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
