I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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