I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
