You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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