she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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