I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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