Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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