Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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