I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
