We named our party play list daddy issues
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
