Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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