Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
birth control should be required to get into college
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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